Counselling: of the bereaved

Size 12 X 12 cm, Chalk pastel, by Morag Noffke 18.03.09
You can read about the explanation of this drawing here

Last Wednesday I went to a seminar run by Nechama. Counsellors from all different walks of life were invited. “It is a volunteer-based organisation which provides emotional support and counselling for persons of the Jewish faith who have suffered a bereavement or loss. It provides a nurturing and caring environment for comfort and growth. Through care and compassion, they support the bereaved and their families through the grief process.”  See Link Nechama

The theme of the seminar was: I am with him in his sorrow.

As the loss of family and friends is all around us all of the time I think it is good to be equipped to comfort others.  People are unique and come from different backgrounds. The more one learns about other cultures, grieving, rituals and practices the easier it will be to convey understanding and empathy.

I learnt new things and I feel enriched, refreshed and encouraged for going. What I like the most when I go to a seminar is when I feel personally and deeply touched by what the speakers have conveyed.  Here is a poem I wrote in response afterwards…

The Nechama of the soul
"I am with him in his sorrow."
This is an inner strength
rooted in the Divine.
We know we will not be consumed
like the burning bush…
to comfort means to be
with them
in their sorrow
accepting them on their journey.

(Like the counsellor does: the place to express feelings)

the child’s grief is a silent grief
and their actions speak louder
than words
the girl who knew who her dad was
just couldn’t understand why
he went away
While she tried to
make sense as a six year old might
with questions and tears and tantrums
her mother became unintentionally unavailable
and her child’s loss went ‘unnoticed’
the ripple effect
reached across the years
to meet the older grief.
Older grief is gentler
sudden-ness of tears
simultaneous attachment

(And that’s where the counsellor comes in: the place to express feelings now)

The whole world died:
father, mother
and herself too
were never the same.
feelings of shame
and foolishness were fostered
because she asked her mother 

where her father was
over and over again…
of course the parent gets sick of hearing the question
and thinks that expressing the frustration and the anger are bad
the parent worries 

that the child is naughty
how long?
They ask
will it be bad?
will it feel bad?

(And here is where the counsellor comes in: the place for the child to express feelings now and to remember that…)

when a loved one dies
the relationship will continue
in one’s life
always
one will feel the tug on the soul
like a kite
and will engage with it
The ways to connect
are to talk about them, 

remembering their images
be observant of them,
re-uniting with their words
Don’t let them fade away
Allow them to live on
in one’s memory
one’s creativity
and the fabric of one’s life

Size 30 X 24 cm, Oil Pastel,  by Morag Noffke 03.03.09
You can read about the explanation of the drawing here

We all loose loved ones and at times we need someone to listen to us. It is good to know that we can ask for the help we need.

Everyday Opinion: legacy, the good and the bad.

Legacy, the Good and the Bad by Morag Noffke.

You might have wondered why I said, “My legacy is emotional, physical and psycho-spiritual” if you read about me in my profile. A legacy is either: money or property left in a will or something handed down by a predecessor to us. Our parents pass on their behaviours, habits, and family patterns. Some things are continually passed from one generation to the next. And as parents we will pass them on too. We accept these things without much thought.  

Sometimes we only think about the negative things that we endured and which were passed down. My question is: “what about the good things which you have inherited?” and “What are these good things?” My mother and father were both artistic, enjoying creativity and crafts. These are some examples passed onto others which are of value: love of words, love of knowledge, abilities and talents, values, beliefs, love and affection etc. It is encouraging, enlightening, insightful, giving direction and appreciation for oneself, to think of the legacy.

Think about the things you have inherited. Let go of the negative and hold onto the good. This is like eating an apple which has a rotten spot. You have a choice: either you can throw the apple away, missing out on the sweetness it has to offer you; you can eat the bad spot as well, running the risk of the rottenness upset you or you can spit the rottenness out and eat the rest.

Your legacy is just like that. You need to identify the rottenness, spit it out and eat the sweetness passed down to you. What have you inherited? What do you choose to pass on to your children?

This poem is by an Irish poet born just after the civil war was terminated (1923). Guns were part of his legacy; as was the struggle of the civil war of which his parents were part. It is difficult to break away from the cultural effects and influences which become ones legacy too.    

Son of a Gun by Padriac Fiacc (1924b)

Between the year of the slump and the sell out, I
The third child, am the first born alive…

My father is a Free Stater ‘Cavan Buck’.
My mother is a Belfast Factory worker. Both

Carry guns, and the grandmother with a gun
In her apron, making the military wipe

Their boots before they rape the house. (These
Civil wars are only ever over on paper!)

Armed police are still raping my dreams
Thump-thud, Thump-thud. I go on mightmaring

Dear father running. There is a bull
In the field. Is father, am I, running away

From the bull to it? Is this the reason why
I steal
time, things, places, people?

Bar-man father, sleeping with a gun under
Your pillow, does the gun help you that much
I wonder

For the gun has made you all only the one
in of sex with me the two sexed son (or three

Or none?) you bequeathed the gun to
still cannot make it so. I can

Never become your he-man: shot
Down born as I was, sure I thought

And thought and thought but blood ran… 

Counselling can help identify your legacy and it's affects it has on you. It can also help you break away from influences and effects which are not serving you well and find new ways of living.